


Amor Fati (2010)

by JennyB



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Bittersweet, Character Death, Community: valentine_smut, M/M, Masturbation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-13
Updated: 2010-02-13
Packaged: 2018-07-11 06:45:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7034179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JennyB/pseuds/JennyB
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Late one night, Sanzo has an unexpected visitor drop by - which gives him a new outlook on the future.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Amor Fati (2010)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [illusionary001](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=illusionary001).



> This was written for the 2010 Valentine Smut challenge, a Saiyuki-themed writing community on Dreamwidth.
> 
> The prompt was 'possession', and I tried a bit of out of the box thinking. I hope you like the end result. Also, the title of this fic is a term that was coined by Nietzsche and loosely translates to 'love of fate' - more info can be found [here](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amor_fati).

Sanzo groaned as his cock slid inch by inch into the pliant body beneath him. Grasping tightly to his hips in an almost bruising hold, he slowly eased out, only to slam in hard and deep, drawing a wanton mewl from the other. Hungrily, he licked his lips and then began to thrust in earnest, a faint sheen of sweat breaking out across his body as he ruthlessly fucked Hakkai. He glanced down at the healer, who was on his hands and knees in front of him, his ass high in the air as he took everything the blond gave him. Sanzo relaxed his hold just enough so that he could slide one hand forward to wrap around the brunet's length, stroking him counterpoint to his punishing rhythm. His cock twitched, and a slight thrill of pleasure ran through him at the libidinous purr that resulted. He knew he wasn't going to last much longer, and he wanted to make sure the other wasn't left wanting or unsatisfied. Hakkai was a perfect lover for him - he seemed to instinctively know what Sanzo needed, whether it was a slow night of lovemaking, or a hard, quick fuck. And he was sensual as hell - the priest got achingly hard every time he saw that soft, deceptively demure smile, and he knew firsthand that the demon's coy behaviour was nothing but an act designed to tease him. He shifted a little, and was rewarded with a pleasured curse from the other, and he felt his heart rate quicken. He always felt a bit smug whenever he made the brunet's control slip like that. Plus it turned him on to hear such base talk spill from the healer's lips. He leaned forward, kissing and nipping at the demon's neck, his movements becoming slightly erratic. Finally, with a soft cry of, "Fuck, 'kai!" he came, his body jerking slightly as his eyes snapped open wide.

A moment later, panting harshly, Sanzo's mouth curved down in a deep scowl. "Fuck," he muttered to the darkness as he lay in his bed, his hand wrapped around his spent cock, and a pool of his release rapidly cooling on his belly. He glanced over at the empty, still-made bed on the other side of the room, and with a heavy exhale, he hoisted himself up and padded over to the small sink where he flicked on the overhead fluorescent light. As the pale greenish glow lit up his features, even he had to admit that he looked like shit. His face was gaunt and slightly haggard, and the dark circles under his eyes, which attested to the fact that he wasn't sleeping well, only made him look worse. "Ch..." With a disgusted snort, he grabbed a tissue and swabbed at his chest, then he turned on the faucet and leaned forward to splash a few handfuls of cool water over his face. _Fucking dream,_ he thought. _More like nightmare..._ Turning off the taps, he grabbed a towel and patted his face dry, only to start in surprise when he met a pair of brilliant green eyes in the mirror. _'Kai..._ Hope flaring in his chest, he turned, only to sigh when there was just darkness and an empty hotel room.

He snorted again at his own idiocy. Of course there was nothing. There'd been nothing for the past three months. Hakkai had been killed in the final battle at Houtou Castle. Killed defending him from Ukoku. At the time, he'd thought he'd derive more satisfaction from shooting the bastard dead, but the action had felt empty. Meaningless. And after losing Hakkai, he'd locked his heart away even tighter than he had when Koumyou had been murdered. Koumyou had been his family. Hakkai had been his whole world. For those few short months, anyway. _Never again._

This time, he meant it.

A glance at the nightstand showed him it was nearly three. He knew that he wouldn't sleep any more that night - and that Goku and Gojyo would be treated to another day of him and his tetchiness as they made their way back to Chang'an. Not that he gave a damn what they thought. He picked up the near-empty bottle of Wild Turkey that sat on the small, cracked melamine table, and he looked at it for a long time before he threw it across the room, where it shattered in a not-so-satisfying shower of glass. _And no more cheap, shitty liquor before bed, either._ Even as he thought that one, he knew it was probably bullshit; after all, passing out in an alcohol-induced fog seemed to be the norm these days. It at least kept the dreams at bay for a little while.

Grabbing his Marlboros and an ashtray, he made his way over to the window to have a cigarette, idly amused by the fact that he still did that despite having no one around to complain about the smoke. Cracking it open, he lit the stick and took a few healthy puffs.

"Those things will kill you, you know," a quiet voice said, which was followed up by a soft chuckle.

Violet eyes widened, and Sanzo's head whipped around, his heart aching as he looked at the slender brunet standing there. Chalking it up to another hallucination brought on by too much alcohol and not enough sleep, he replied flippantly, "Yeah, well, I figured what the hell; why not speed up the inevitable?"

Hakkai smiled gently as he crossed the room, and he deftly took the cigarette from between the blond's fingers and took a drag. "Mm, I never could understand how you and Gojyo could smoke these - they do taste quite awful," he remarked as he pursed his lips to exhale and crushed out the filter.

Sanzo's mouth went dry as he watched the brunet with the cigarette, though he quickly gave himself a mental shake to clear those thoughts. Giving a blasé shrug, he said, "It's not like I do it because I enjoy it. I do it because it takes away the pain."

The demon smiled a bit. "Is that your approach to everything?" he asked, his sharp gaze landing on the shards of broken glass and the amber stain on the wall. "Only do what takes away the pain? Somehow, I don't think that was the case with me." His attention returned to the blond when he heard the click of the revolver. "You can't keep on living like this, you know. It's going to destroy you. And I can't be here to save you the next time."

"You fucking shut up!" the priest growled as he levelled the weapon at the image of his former lover. "I don't know who you are or what kind of game this is, but I'm not fucking laughing." His eyes narrowed as he met the green he loved so much and currently loathed, hating the way just the image of the other stirred up all sorts of emotions inside him he'd much rather keep repressed.

"It _is_ me," Hakkai replied softly. "They let me come see you one more time, though I think it's more for your benefit than out of any altruism towards me." He quietly watched the other for a few moments, easily able to feel the torment in the blond's spirit in his current form. "I've been quite worried about you."

"Bullshit!" Sanzo snapped. "You left me, you bastard," he added lowly, trying to mask the hurt that permeated his voice, the walls he'd built once again threatening to crumble. "You said you wouldn't, and yet you did. You told me it would be ok, and I trusted you, and now you're gone. So fuck off; you lost the right to lecture me when you abandoned me."

Hakkai smiled sadly at that. "Yes, I suppose you're right. It was my own selfishness that caused me to act. I couldn't bear the thought of being in a world without you, and yet it seems that I've imposed that same sentence on you." He rested a hand on the blond's gun and gently pressed down to lower it, his smile widening a little when the action was met with no resistance. "You and I both know that Ukoku had us in a Catch-22. There was no way we'd have left that castle without one of us dying. And I suppose I made the arbitrary decision for us. Besides, Goku and Gojyo both still need you. They need you to look after them and look out for them, and you can do it in a way I'd never be able to. Though I am sorry for putting you in such a position."

"Damn it, Hakkai. You always have to be the martyr, don't you?" Sanzo replied irritably. "Fuck, do you know how fucking useless I felt that there was nothing I could do for you? How pathetic I felt sitting on that stone floor and watching you die?" He paused, and he quickly dashed a hand over his eyes, moving his fingers to his hair to scrub agitatedly through the fair tresses. "Do you know how fucking much I - I _miss_ you?" The last part came out as a mere whisper as the priest turned his gaze to look out the window. He didn't want the brunet to see him like that, and he mentally cursed himself for not having the balls to say what he really felt.

"I know," Hakkai replied just as quietly, and he took the blond's hands in his. "But you have to stop blaming yourself. It's hypocritical of me to say it, I know, but you are still needed here. People will listen to you and respect you. More than they ever would a taijiya like me. I don't understand it, but they say you have a destiny to -"

" _Fuck destiny_!" Sanzo shouted. "If I hadn't had to do this stupid mission in the first place, you'd still be...we'd..." He took a deep breath. "I never asked for this, and I sure as hell don't want to be the saviour of Shangri-La!" He squeezed the brunet's hands. "I've done every pain in the ass thing the gods have demanded of me, and yet, when it came down to something _I_ wanted, this is how they fucking thank me. I _know_ they have the capability to resurrect someone. They just chose not to. So they can take their expectations and their sutras and everything else, and shove it up their collective asses!"

Hakkai squeezed back, his thumbs brushing softly over the backs of the priest's hands. "True...though were it not for them, we wouldn't have met," he said quietly. "And had it not been for this mission, we wouldn't have had the time together that was necessary for us to blossom into something more." The luminous green met the angry violet, and he smiled gently. "I'm not condoning what they do, nor am I saying you're not right to be angry. I admit it's not fair, and I truly hope I'm not doing more harm than good, but...I am here with you now. For tonight."

"What?"

Hakkai nodded a little. "Until dawn. They're letting me stay here until dawn. And while I know that I can't stay, maybe there's something I can give you - something to let you know that I'm still around, and still watching you. Let you know I'm waiting for you."

Sanzo snorted. "Right. What would that be?"

"Come here." Hakkai pulled the priest to his feet and led him over to the bed, getting him to lie down on his back. As he straddled the other's legs, his form shimmered slightly, and as the glow faded, the brunet was naked, and aroused, and giving his lover that coy, sensual smile.

"Oh fuck, Hakkai..." Sanzo's gaze travelled over the bare form, his own cock springing to life as he hesitantly reached out a hand to trace over the achingly familiar planes of the other's torso. His fingers skimmed down the brunet's belly, and he smiled a little as he brushed along the jagged scar there and heard the resulting low giggle. He held the other's gaze for a long time, his eyes drifting closed when the demon caught his hand and pressed soft kisses to the tip of each digit. He inhaled sharply when Hakkai shifted his position, and his head fell back against the pillow as he felt the familiar sensation of his cock slipping inside that hot, tight body. This was very different from his dreams. He could feel his lover's slight weight against him, and smell the clean scent of cedar and satsuma as the brunet slowly rocked against him. "If this is a dream, don't let me wake up."

Hakkai chuckled softly. "I assure you, this is very real. Somewhat strange, to be sure, but real." Leaning down, he pressed his lips to the blond's, lingering there in silent invitation for Sanzo to take the lead - though that didn't stop him from a bit of coaxing in the form of teasing nibbles to his lower lip.

For a few seconds, Sanzo hesitated, wanting to believe yet waiting to see if it would all be some cruel joke. However, as the brunet's taste flooded his senses, he found himself giving in to his desire. Besides, the way the other moved and anticipated his reactions could never be faked, not even by the most perfect doppelganger. "'Kai..." His hand fisted roughly in the dark tresses, and he pulled the brunet closer to him, kissing him desperately like a starving man sating his hunger. Once he'd taken the edge off, he relaxed his hold, his embrace becoming softer and more passionate as he began to move with the demon. He groaned softly when he heard Hakkai mewl wantonly, and his hand slid from his lover's hair, joining the other at the brunet's back to caress over the smooth, warm skin he'd missed so much.

It wasn't long before he could feel himself reaching his plateau, and hooking a foot around one of Hakkai's calves, he flipped them to where he was on top. Smiling, he brushed the wild bangs from Hakkai's eyes, and then kissed a trail down his throat, placing a series of soft bites along the brunet's collarbone as he began to thrust harder and deeper. He loosed a dark growl when he heard the other keen softly at the nips, knowing that was a particular kink the brunet enjoyed. Focusing on the healer's sensitive throat, he lightly ran his tongue over the flawless skin as he thrust in hard one last time and came with a purr of Hakkai's name. Once he'd sufficiently come down from his peak, he slipped a hand between them to bring his lover to completion, only to frown in confusion when Hakkai stopped him. "Hakkai?"

The brunet smiled softly as he caught Sanzo's hands in his and flipped them so that he was back on top. "I can feel the pleasure from it, but I can't, uh...finish," he said sheepishly as he leaned down to kiss the other, remaining joined with the blond and just letting the priest hold him in his arms until he was ready to continue. Shortly before dawn, he could feel Sanzo's cock hardening inside of him, and he began to slowly rock his hips, starting a maddeningly slow build to orgasm. His eyes were lidded slightly as he watched the other, and he swore he'd never seen a sight so breathtaking as Sanzo with his lips parted, cheeks flushed and eyes glazed with want. His own eyes soft, he lightly caressed over one of those heated cheeks, and then he slid his hands up along the blond's arms, twining their fingers together. _I wish I had just a little more time...but I hope this will do..._ Gradually, a soft greenish-gold glow began to fill the room as the brunet turned his spirit form into pure chi and slowly dissolved into the priest's body, melding into his lover.

Sanzo's eyes snapped open when he felt the presence of another inside of him, and he panicked a little at the unexpected intrusion. However, he quickly relaxed - he'd felt Hakkai's chi enough to know it intimately, and though he was surprised to watch his hand moving of its own volition, he felt oddly comforted by the gentle aura wrapping itself around his like a soothing balm. He arched a brow at the faint glow coming from his own palm, and as his own slender fingers grasped his shaft and began to stroke, the bliss he felt was so perfect, had he not been in some shithole of a hotel, he'd have sworn he'd reached Nirvana. He could feel Hakkai manipulating his own chi, supplementing it with some of his own, and he found himself thinking, _Oh...so that's how he did that..._ A small smile settled on his lips as his hand continued to pleasure him. The slightly calloused fingers were his own, but the touch was unmistakably Hakkai's.

An intense heat began to pool in his groin, and as he began to approach his peak, he could feel that ache he'd been carrying in his heart starting to abate in the presence of his lover. He marvelled at the unnatural dexterity of his own hand as Hakkai controlled it, and the soothing feeling of the demon's chi flooding his body, both from the inside and out. It was unlike anything he'd ever experienced before, and nearly overwhelming in its intensity - and he never wanted it to end. His breath caught in his throat as what felt like hundreds of sparks danced haphazardly across his skin, and as his dick slid through the talented fist once more, his body tensed with his impending orgasm. On the next stroke, the tenuous control he was maintaining over his body slipped, and with an incoherent shout, he came. Starbursts exploded white-hot behind his closed eyelids, and he felt as though he might pass out from the force of his release as pulse after pulse of his seed splashed over his fingers. A tremulous, albeit genuine, smile curved up the corners of his mouth - the first one he'd given in a very long time. Basking in his afterglow and the warmth of his lover's presence, he murmured to the darkness, "Stay. Please stay."

An achingly gentle voice whispered in his mind, "I'm so sorry...I can't."

As Hakkai's spirit disappeared, Sanzo could feel the chill of solitude once again descend upon him, though before it could consume him as it had in the past, he swore he could feel the soft press of lips against his temple, and then the darkness enveloped him. Slipping into unconsciousness, he heard a whispered, "Never forget, you mean the world to me."

When Sanzo awoke a couple of hours later, he was very aware of two things. First, even though he'd essentially passed out after his orgasm ( _two!_ ), his body and bedding were both immaculate. Second, despite his best efforts and strongest levels of concentration, he found that he was unable to summon his own chi. It was as if he'd slowly forgotten how while he'd slept. He sighed heavily as he reached for his cigarettes, chalking his early morning experiences up to yet another dream. As he exhaled a lungful of smoke, he did have to admit that he felt a lot better than he had in a long time. It was as if a weight had been removed from his chest, and he felt like yes, he actually _could_ go on living now instead of simply existing. He reached for his ashtray so that he could tap the end of his smoke, though his hand froze when he saw a small object sitting on the nightstand. Quickly stabbing out the Marlboro, he picked it up with trembling fingers, his eyes wide. It was Hakkai's crucifix - the black one with the silver piping that he had personally buried the other with. For the longest time, he simply stared at it, as if not daring to believe it was actually there, in his palm. A small, tremulous smile briefly turned the corners of his mouth upward as he let the silk cord tumble down over his hand. "Bastard," he murmured affectionately, a slight flicker of hope settling in his soul. He slipped the pendant over his neck, letting it rest lightly against his skin. As he did, he heard a whispered, "I'll be waiting," though for all he knew, that could just as easily have been the wind.

Getting to his feet, he pressed his fingers against the cool onyx, and then turned his attention to getting dressed. And when he joined the other two out by Jeep, he almost looked...serene.

"Sanzo? You ok?" Goku asked as he hefted his bag into the back, his golden eyes wide with concern.

"Mm hmm," the blond replied, and he lightly ruffled the wild tangle of hair before he settled himself into the shotgun seat.

Goku blinked, and glanced uncertainly over at Gojyo. Then he grinned. "You're back!"

"Idiot. I've always been here."

"That's not what I meant! I just meant - ah, forget it." Relieved that His Sun seemed to be out of whatever funk he'd been in, he wordlessly hopped into the backseat, making a mental vow to be _extra_ good so as not to upset Sanzo in any way that day.

Gojyo smirked as he got behind the wheel. "You look like you got laid. Was she - hey!" He fell silent when he felt cold steel against his temple.

"Keep talking shit and you won't make it back to Chang'an."

"Shit, fine! No sense of humour!" The kappa started the engine, and they rolled out of town. Once they were on the open road, he glanced at the priest. "No bullshit - what really has you in a good mood? Fuck knows you've been shit company for the past while."

Sanzo shrugged, and he lit up a cigarette, turning his attention to the scenery as it passed. "Someone set me back on the path I need to walk. Beyond that, it's none of your fucking business."

The kappa arched a brow. "You're fucking weird, Buddha. I don't really give a shit anyway."

"Get bent." He smirked a little around his smoke and settled back in his seat. It was going to be a long journey, but at least he had something to look forward to at the end. And that thought made the trip seem almost bearable.


End file.
